Sounds like your mom didn't want to know. Otherwise, it sounds like you are doing the opposite of making excuses for yourself by trying to make yourself responsible for things you aren't really responsible for.
As a kid, I intervened in bullying situations many times. Grown-ups weren't involved because they couldn't/wouldn't see what was happening. I wish more kids today would step in when they see someone being bullied - bullying is bad and stopping it is good. Thank you for doing the work to help us all feel how bad things happen and how to speak up!
I remember times in my childhood that I didn't act out of fear. I also remember how I felt about not acting and the look of the person I'd failed to stand up for. Those memories are what I use today to motivate me to take action.
Thanks. Standing up usually doesn't work out well for me but, it is an excellent way to determine if a community I'm involved in is worth anymore of my time, treasure, or talent.
I didn't act out of fear. I didn't act because the family was oblivious. My oldest sister walked in on the middle of an episode. My middle sister noticed I had a hickey on my neck at age 9. Neither of them told the parents. The parents were in the same room when another episode happened and were oblivious. What the actual eff? And the perpetrator can think that because of his tearful apology, it's all good and we can move on?
Once again, living better is the best revenge. But who are the a-holes who think they can do that to children?
I don’t blame children for not acting against abuse. They’re children after all. And sometimes even so with adults the first time they’re confronted. I understand fear and I know what it is to be paralyzed by it. The issue is that there is a huge different between being a child, or an adult in that circumstance for the first time and turning a blind eye to abuse for years as a parent or government official. I can forgive cowardice in the moment, but not over years and decades for adults. The people who let this happen and did nothing or worse get no sympathy from me. I do not care about their “reasons” for remaining silent and I hope that their lives are destroyed for their chronic cowardice.
As for the rape gangs, every member should be staked out at the local landfill, shot in the stomach, and left to bleed out with their bodies left there for the vultures.
About Britain: where the F**k were thousands of parents? They were more responsible for what happened than the cops or the social workers. Every bloody single one of them committed the crime of “failure to protect." That's what it's called in Texas where I live.
About You: you did something absolutely magnificent. You protected your younger brother from El Creepo. You fought, you yelled and screamed and pitched a fit for yourself and him. What an accomplishment for a five-year-old!!! I am awarding you a Silver Star for Kiddie Courage on the field of battle. Take it and stop beating yourself up!!! Just as you insist that everyone be brave, I insist that you give yourself the credit you deserve. (Roarrrrr!!!!)
I'm glad you mentioned the support group you went to and how powerful it was. I went to one, it saved my life. While we had all survived the same category of trauma, it was an astonishingly diverse group, which helped, somehow.
This piece has true moral clarity, thank you for your openness and vulnerability.
In order for us to stop these sorts of things from happening, we need leaders and regular people who see the world and people as they are, with their flaws and interests, and who will muster the courage to push through regardless. Particularly to protect the weak and vulnerable. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for your bravery in sharing this, and your skill with explaining it. I am also a victim of some awful abuse that took a whole system of people ignoring/enabling it to happen, and your explanation rings very true
I appreciate the comment that strident action in defense of children is always morally justified. It boggles my mind that fear of appearing politically incorrect as to Islam led to the torture and exploitation of thousands of young girls. In fact it infuriates me. How dare they defend these adult men that saw these girls as pray for the taking? Here is the essential moral conflict written on the bodies of 9-year old children. It’s completely horrific.
You write compellingly about the challenges faced by young people confronted by evil they instinctually recognize, yet do not know how to fight. I applaud your honesty and vulnerability.
But the adults who turned a blind eye? Abysmal cowards, every one.
I agree that compassion and understanding can be inspiring. Do you mean understanding that people were afraid to speak up for fear of being labeled racist and Islamophobic? Then yes, I do understand that. And I have sympathy for those who felt under threat if they spoke up.
And yet I’m left feeling, still, bereft of whom to hold accountable. What will bring change? How can these victims ever find any sense of peace or resolution? It’s reminiscent of the Catholic Church abuse scandals, although that had the added soupçon of destroying faith as well as dignity and self-respect.
For me, there needs to be an inquiry and consequences not only for the perpetrators but the people who turned a blind eye. I know some police officers came by to ask victims to “shut up” about the whole thing and those people at minimum shouldn’t be cops anymore.
Thank you for your honesty. I have been writing about my childhood trauma, but still don't have the guts to share it with anyone other than myself. I hope you will inspire me to be brave.
I keep thinking I will get over it, but maybe not. At least I have had the guts to estrange myself from the perpetrator, who is a family member.
Thank you. I did some therapy a while back, and it kinda-sorta helped. At this point, I am at the "living-well-is-the-best-revenge" stage. Extremely thankful that my three kids had a better childhood than I did.
Regarding my past, it is an ongoing dilemma regarding whom I want to throw under the bus, if anyone.
Humans are great at rationalizing all sort of things. But, for Bastet's sake, don't blame yourseslf for being a child with the mind of a child.
I blame myself more for my teen years whenever I had a rare opportunity to bring it up and didn’t do it.
You still were basically a child, and a child raised in hella dysfunctional circumstances. Blame the adults.
You gotta be careful with that. My dad never knew anything. And I did. You give away your responsibility and you give away your power.
Sounds like your mom didn't want to know. Otherwise, it sounds like you are doing the opposite of making excuses for yourself by trying to make yourself responsible for things you aren't really responsible for.
Fair.
My father was abused as a child and couldn’t speak about it even to my mother until he was 50 years old. You’re doing just fine imo.
As a kid, I intervened in bullying situations many times. Grown-ups weren't involved because they couldn't/wouldn't see what was happening. I wish more kids today would step in when they see someone being bullied - bullying is bad and stopping it is good. Thank you for doing the work to help us all feel how bad things happen and how to speak up!
Thanks for reading Tricia
Thank you for your honesty and courage. I hope I can find the courage to confront wrong when I realise what is happening.
Going to do a follow up but should have added, don’t feel like you have to go it alone. There’s better ways to make it easy on yourself.
I remember times in my childhood that I didn't act out of fear. I also remember how I felt about not acting and the look of the person I'd failed to stand up for. Those memories are what I use today to motivate me to take action.
For what it’s worth, good for you for growing.
Thanks. Standing up usually doesn't work out well for me but, it is an excellent way to determine if a community I'm involved in is worth anymore of my time, treasure, or talent.
I didn't act out of fear. I didn't act because the family was oblivious. My oldest sister walked in on the middle of an episode. My middle sister noticed I had a hickey on my neck at age 9. Neither of them told the parents. The parents were in the same room when another episode happened and were oblivious. What the actual eff? And the perpetrator can think that because of his tearful apology, it's all good and we can move on?
Once again, living better is the best revenge. But who are the a-holes who think they can do that to children?
I’m so sorry to hear that, Toni. It’s bad enough for these things to happen but to see people fall down one by one in your defense is almost worse.
69 years for me.
So sorry Bill. My heart goes out to you.
Brilliant writing.
Ty
I don’t blame children for not acting against abuse. They’re children after all. And sometimes even so with adults the first time they’re confronted. I understand fear and I know what it is to be paralyzed by it. The issue is that there is a huge different between being a child, or an adult in that circumstance for the first time and turning a blind eye to abuse for years as a parent or government official. I can forgive cowardice in the moment, but not over years and decades for adults. The people who let this happen and did nothing or worse get no sympathy from me. I do not care about their “reasons” for remaining silent and I hope that their lives are destroyed for their chronic cowardice.
As for the rape gangs, every member should be staked out at the local landfill, shot in the stomach, and left to bleed out with their bodies left there for the vultures.
Yeah, gotta say I’m a lot less sympathetic to the people who were given specific institutional authority to do something about this.
About Britain: where the F**k were thousands of parents? They were more responsible for what happened than the cops or the social workers. Every bloody single one of them committed the crime of “failure to protect." That's what it's called in Texas where I live.
About You: you did something absolutely magnificent. You protected your younger brother from El Creepo. You fought, you yelled and screamed and pitched a fit for yourself and him. What an accomplishment for a five-year-old!!! I am awarding you a Silver Star for Kiddie Courage on the field of battle. Take it and stop beating yourself up!!! Just as you insist that everyone be brave, I insist that you give yourself the credit you deserve. (Roarrrrr!!!!)
They chose the houses where the parents wouldn’t notice or care. And I promise I don’t beat myself up about this.
I'm really glad you do not beat yourself up about it. Keep NOT beating yourself up.
I'm glad you mentioned the support group you went to and how powerful it was. I went to one, it saved my life. While we had all survived the same category of trauma, it was an astonishingly diverse group, which helped, somehow.
It helped me see what was me and what was what had happened to me and somehow that helped me find a firmer footing with myself.
This piece has true moral clarity, thank you for your openness and vulnerability.
In order for us to stop these sorts of things from happening, we need leaders and regular people who see the world and people as they are, with their flaws and interests, and who will muster the courage to push through regardless. Particularly to protect the weak and vulnerable. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for reading William.
Thank you for speaking out and eloquently on this tough topic. Thank you for cheering us on toward bravery.
Thanks for reading it
Thank you for your bravery in sharing this, and your skill with explaining it. I am also a victim of some awful abuse that took a whole system of people ignoring/enabling it to happen, and your explanation rings very true
I’m sorry ❤️
Thanks Thia
I appreciate the comment that strident action in defense of children is always morally justified. It boggles my mind that fear of appearing politically incorrect as to Islam led to the torture and exploitation of thousands of young girls. In fact it infuriates me. How dare they defend these adult men that saw these girls as pray for the taking? Here is the essential moral conflict written on the bodies of 9-year old children. It’s completely horrific.
You write compellingly about the challenges faced by young people confronted by evil they instinctually recognize, yet do not know how to fight. I applaud your honesty and vulnerability.
But the adults who turned a blind eye? Abysmal cowards, every one.
I don’t disagree with you, but my experience is if you lead with some amount of compassion and understanding you get the bravery you were looking for.
I agree that compassion and understanding can be inspiring. Do you mean understanding that people were afraid to speak up for fear of being labeled racist and Islamophobic? Then yes, I do understand that. And I have sympathy for those who felt under threat if they spoke up.
And yet I’m left feeling, still, bereft of whom to hold accountable. What will bring change? How can these victims ever find any sense of peace or resolution? It’s reminiscent of the Catholic Church abuse scandals, although that had the added soupçon of destroying faith as well as dignity and self-respect.
For me, there needs to be an inquiry and consequences not only for the perpetrators but the people who turned a blind eye. I know some police officers came by to ask victims to “shut up” about the whole thing and those people at minimum shouldn’t be cops anymore.
Thank you for your honesty. I have been writing about my childhood trauma, but still don't have the guts to share it with anyone other than myself. I hope you will inspire me to be brave.
I keep thinking I will get over it, but maybe not. At least I have had the guts to estrange myself from the perpetrator, who is a family member.
Wishing you all the bravery in the world. If there’s anyway you can go to some kind of therapeutic environment I highly encourage it.
Thank you. I did some therapy a while back, and it kinda-sorta helped. At this point, I am at the "living-well-is-the-best-revenge" stage. Extremely thankful that my three kids had a better childhood than I did.
Regarding my past, it is an ongoing dilemma regarding whom I want to throw under the bus, if anyone.
Have hot chocolate with whipped cream today. It’s why I do.
Thank you for this anatomy of cowardice & instruction on how to be brave.
Thanks Anna
A brilliant essay. Thank you for sharing your experience and your wisdom.
Ty it’s easier when anonymous